Quitting is not an option

When opportunities keep knocking…

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I’m sat in uni and should be studying as while the trimester is almost over, I’ve still got a couple of reports and an exam to go. Funny thing is originally I started this post over the weekend and the following few paragraphs were my headspace then.

“Yes, I’m procrastinating. I should be finishing off a qualitative research analysis report due for Tuesday; or filling out my VRA log, but instead I’m sat here blogging.  Thing is I know why, my headspace has been a little off for the last few days, and I can’t concentrate.

I’ve had a fairly good week so far, then it hit Thursday and things started to go awry.  I sent my fella a couple of update videos on my squats and RDLs, along with some of my mate T (Spirited Fitness), whose training with me.  The conversation my partner and I had started off well enough, T is actually doing ok given she’s only been training for a few weeks with me.  So, I’m not doing a bad job of teaching her.

That’s when it got a bit disheartening.

I’ve got some issues showing in my own form.

I knew already when I watched the replay of the videos before I sent them that something was going on.  Ended up getting my lad to video me again for a better insight; and yep, there’s definitely something going on.  Which hurts when you come out of a workout feeling happy because you’ve just done your personal best that felt really good, and then realise you’re screwing things up.

Don’t get me wrong, I’m not doing really bad.  There’s just a slight imbalance in my body throwing me off kilter that I can’t see; or feel, when I’m doing the exercises.  It just became one of those realisation moments when I’m sat on this side of the world, and the man who could help me is sat on the other side, and all I want is for him to be here to help me.”

Hope or Despair

Thing is it’s almost a week later now since I wrote the above.  I havent trained this week. Lack of time was a big issue, though I also admit motivation had hit rock bottom.  In fact; headspace was that low, I hadn’t only hit the bottom of the barrel I’d dug 4 foot under it. However,  I haven’t been idle either.  I got on with assignments; dealt with a kid who was sick, and out of the blue was given an opportunity to expand my horizons from an unexpected angle.

Last night this opportunity took potentially an even better turn; and while I’m keeping the information to myself for the time being, let’s just say I’m hoping I can pull it off in the next few weeks.

So I guess this post is to remind myself that no matter how low I get; or how many times I feel like I’m struggling to stay afloat, my life always seems to throw up positives.  I may have days (yesterday was one) where I wake up and just feel so out of sorts I’ll end up crying for no reason at all. However, I can never really quit on myself; because despite my tendency to prepare for the worst, my stubborn inner core knows there’s likely to be something good coming.

Waiting for the Almighty…I mean exam results

When your future lies in other people’s hands…

Waiting for exam results is one of the most horrid things you can do.  This week saw me get the results of an essay and an exam.  The essay was a pleasant surprise.  My best score yet for this year, on a paper that I had a slight worry I’d gone off track with.  It wasn’t enough to make me think I’d fail.

However; when your tutor had hammered on about how essential it was to include multiple details from the case study (which is referring to details that are 4 years out of date), and all your referenced information sources are giving total different answers because they are more current.  Yeah, you can start to think you’re going to lose marks.

Exam results

The business exam was my nagging issue though.  I dislike exams to begin with.  Not because I don’t know the information  or I haven’t studied, but that whole feeling of my future lies on what I can produce in the next 60-180 minutes.  I usually go blank for the first 10 minutes with a complete mind block; trying to pick out a question I can answer easily to get me started.

The exam threw everyone in my class, as the structure of it was nothing like we had expected.  We all knew about the multiple choice questions, and the fact that on some sections we had to go careful. If we got the answers wrong; we didn’t just not gain marks, we actually lost them too.  However; no-one was expecting the two essay style questions that were worth three-quarters of the entire paper’s marks.

Now I’m usually pretty reasonable.  I know I am good at what I do. I have a tendency to waffle (as you may notice); but on the whole I understand and retain things enough, so that waiting for assignment results means I’m expecting to pass.  It’s my own pride that wants it to be more than just a pass, and to be one of the top scorers.

For this exam though; I even got to the point I enquired about the procedures for re-sitting the module, I was that sure I’d flunked it.  My friends know that’s not like me, and it’s been a rough few weeks.  I tried to put it to the back of my mind, but failing would mean a change in some short-term plans I’m trying to arrange, and set me back in the longer term plans I have.

Guess this shows up one of my personal failings though, and that’s I don’t deal well with situations that are out of my control.  I’m not OCD over things in a major way.  Day-to-day I’m pretty laissez-faire in the fact if you can do something better than me, or want to do something different, then go for it.  Everyone’s life is their own to lead; if it doesn’t impact negatively on mine or my family’s, I don’t care what you do.

I just hate it when my future depends on someone else’s decisions that I have no control over.  Mainly for the fact that I lose the certainty factor of things being achievable, and doubts creep in.  Guess that’s why I do tend to have a more pessimistic view on life.  Not because I’m trying to be depressive; but more for the fact that I believe if I prepare for the worst, anything less is a bonus.

Anyway; after being told results were up on Tuesday for checking, and a few moments of ‘I can’t look.’  I went to check my mark, then sat in shock for the rest of the evening as not only did I pass, but somehow I passed with an A.  Several days later, and after a conversation with my tutor, I’m still bemused on how well I did.  Guess there’s something  in this 42 year old brain after all.

Yes I passed