Tired Of Fighting Every Day

Just one day of things going to plan would be nice…

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I’m giving up on making plans. This morning started reasonably ok, but soon went downhill.  I’m so confused and messed up I have no idea what I’m doing anymore, and to top it all off I ended up with another tension headache.

I’m used to migraines and the debilitating effects they have on me, but I know how to combat them.  Tension headaches are a new breed though and I’m struggling to work out an effective method of dealing with them.  Weeks of on/off pain is draining; but how do you fight something when you know what the causes are, but can’t just simply eliminate them.

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I’m not great at taking meds as they make me feel worse ninety percent of the time, but i did get a massage to try to help.  The rest of my day was spent relaxing and dozing on and off.  Now the kids are back from their respective school trips I am going upstairs to soak in the bath for a few hours with a book.

Exam prep can wait, if I don’t know it by now, well cramming tonight wont be any help.  In fact it will probably just make things worse.  As to my dissertation, there’s always the weekend.

Sometimes I wish I didn’t have to fight so damn hard just to get through the day.  I look back on everything I’ve achieved so far; and I can’t believe I’m still here,  given the obstacles that were thrown in my way.  Every time I think I’ve finally got somewhere and life is better, something else throws me.  Like now; I’m trying to re-plan my future so I have something to aim for, but I have no idea where to start or what I even want anymore because what I thought I had is no more.

I guess I’m just tired.  Tired of juggling so many things.  Tired of feeling inadequate and a failure.  Tired of being seen as the strong capable one.  Tired of wanting things that I can’t have.  Tired of dreaming only for it to be torn away.

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Now though I am going to head for my bath.  After all; it’s not like any miracle is going to occur to make life any easier.  There are other people whose situations are a lot worse than mine; so I’ll just carry on regardless, like I always do.

Everyday I’m Dissertatin’

I’ve no time for procrastinating…

Well another campus high school visit completed; and it went a lot better today than it was last week.  Which is probably due to having some idea on what actually was going to happen, knowledge is a powerful tool after all.  Again I knew some of the students visiting; having worked with them in school over the past few months, and it was nice to catch up on how they are doing with personal statements and putting our advice into practice.

There were two slight technical issues.  The first was the computer in the lecture hall we begin in broke down on us so we switched rooms.  The second saw me having to draw on my acting skills for an impromptu “Bad Interview” roleplay where I was the badly prepared interviewee.  Normally we have access to video examples of a poor and a good interview, but they weren’t working either, so David and I volunteered to play it up.

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Slouching back in the chair when I was told to relax, my hoody covering my face and a conversation that based my skills on playing Call of Duty had the students laughing.  Especially when asked to give examples of academic prowess that had me replying “Well I’m good at math because I know how many bullets I have left in my rifle after a shoot out.”

Now it is time to crack on with my own studies.  I received two preliminary marks this week for my company law module, and on the whole I am not too displeased.  I gained 81% (A2) for my presentation, but only a 64% (B1) for my written assignment.  The second mark is lower than I would have liked.  However, after I’d submitted I realised that there was the possibility I went slightly off track from the assignment’s remit, and that this would cost me marks.  It is hard at times to judge what your tutors are actually looking for, which I why I always find practical assignments easier to achieve.  So while attaining a B1 is acceptable, I do feel I have let myself down slightly.

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Continue reading “Everyday I’m Dissertatin’”

Why Are Looks More Important Than Personality?

Don’t destroy someone for trying…

Unfortunately first impressions often lead to snap judgements.  Everyone does it, myself included at times if I’m completely honest, though I try desperately not to.

Anyway for years I was ridiculed due to my size because that’s what people saw first, and made their decision about me upon.  It didn’t matter what I said or thought because I looked the way I did.  The funny thing was; if people didn’t know what I looked like, I was treated completely differently.

This got proved many times over several years when I played an online war game where I was communicating with people from all over the world.  I could talk to people for hours every day, often well into the night.  I was an alliance host or vice host on numerous occasions, coordinating attacks on other alliances and teaching new players about the game.  Holding conversations about all sorts of things.  Hell; occasionally I even got chatted up because guys (and some girls) liked my banter and my knowledge.

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However; the amount of times I’d finally gain the confidence to cam or share a picture (after what could be months of friendly chat) only to find that suddenly people were busy or didn’t want to talk to me anymore, was astounding.  I never lied about how I looked.  My standard response to anyone who asked was “short, fat and troll-like”, a fact some of my old gaming friends would attest too.  (The pic above was my profile picture for everything.)  However; there was definitely a distinct change in people’s attitudes towards me, once they saw me.

I still get ridiculed on occasions.  Walking down the street I can be called a “fat cow” or hear the sniggers accompanying comments like “urgh gross, how can she still walk?”  And it still hurts.  Not as badly as it once did because I know how far I’ve come; I remember being 180kg plus (28 stone), but what right does anyone have to judge someone they do not know?  Especially when it is based on their physical appearance?

Continue reading “Why Are Looks More Important Than Personality?”

The Morning After The Night Before

No hangover, but more questions than answers…

Well given I’ve seen the empty bottles I hid from the kids last night; the fact I was up at just after 7am, and don’t actually have a hangover is surprising.  I did have to sanitize my Facebook page though.  Thankfully it was mostly links to old songs that reminded me of my relationship coupled with progressively bad typing of the feelings they gave me as the alcohol numbed my capabilities.  It seems by the time I hit Godsmack’s “I Stand Alone” I’d already downed one bottle of whisky, and was starting on my second.  Leaving Altered Bridge and Lzzy Hale’s duet of “Watch Over You” as my final encore.

(Side note: today it’s come to my knowledge I had a few friends lurking in the background.  Laughing to themselves as I drank myself silly and they saw my typos get worse, but ready to come deal with me if I got too stupid.)

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Yesterday was hard.  Due to the time differences my break up conversation was done by mid morning, so I had the rest of the day to get through, and given it was Sunday my kids were around.  They knew what had happened, and its truly the only thing I really regret about my relationship as this is the second time I’ve put my daughter through losing a father figure.  (Not that her biological father was much of one, but he was her dad after all.)  To lose a second one, yeah I’m really not her favourite person at the moment.

Continue reading “The Morning After The Night Before”

When Love Tears You Apart

And you lose a part of yourself forever…

Sat here crying my eyes out as I write this as I’ve just ripped my heart out, and I don’t know how to continue now.

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The only man I have ever truly loved is no longer part of my life.  I sit remembering all the times we had together; wanting to turn back time, so we can change what has happened to bring us to this.  Yet all that is left for me is to wish him all the best for his future; and hope that one day he will find the happiness he deserves, because he really is the most amazing man I have ever met. Continue reading “When Love Tears You Apart”

High School Students On Tour

A chance to see what’s in store next year…

I had an interesting day today.  I was part of the student mentor team that escorted four sets of high school students around my own campus to give them a taster of what university life is like.  Having seen some of them over the past few weeks when we visited them in school, it was fascinating to see them out of their natural comfort zone.  In an environment that is so natural and comforting to us, you could tell they felt out of place and a little lost.

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One of the highlights of the day was my fellow mentors realising that one of the kids visiting was my own son.   For some it was a guessing game to try to work out who he was before I pointed him out; though most agreed he looks very much like me, so it wasn’t that difficult.  Having him there helped; as he was able to confirm just how much work goes into my studies, and how essential time management and self-organisation is. Continue reading “High School Students On Tour”

Once Upon a Unicorn Hunt

A pathway to relaxation and peace.

At the Christmas Fayre we went to a couple of weeks back, my girl saw a stall which had knitted unicorns for sale.  While I agreed the price was reasonable. (I know how much materials cost, and the time that goes into making things like that.) I saw an opportunity for me to make something more personal, and out of love for her.  Especially since I have a box full of wool in the house, and I am fully capable of knitting.  It’s crocheting I can’t get the hang of.

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So last night I went on a bit of a spending spree as I finally had a chance to go on a hunt for unicorn knitting patterns.  Nothing majorly over the top financial wise as I refuse to spend a lot on anything; let alone a hobby (especially as I have a few different ones), but I did end up with a lot more patterns. Continue reading “Once Upon a Unicorn Hunt”