Moments Pass

But memories last a lifetime…

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Well after grand total of 4 hours sleep I’m back at my desk with coffee, and as soon as this post is written its back to study.  Lost myself in digital marketing last night, alongside helping a friend with their video CV script, and a minor interruption from my neighbour who needed a hand.  Meant I ended up going to bed around 3am where I realised I’d not eaten anything all day, and my diet had consisted of a steady stream of coffee.  Funny how I seem to live on coffee now, up until around age 35 I couldn’t stand the stuff.

Surprisingly feel a lot better physically than I have done the last few days.  Still have a lingering cough, and the odd bout of feeling cold, but on the whole I think I’m on the backside of this virus.  Thankfully this week is a little less intense as in I’ve only got two classes to attend, and its also the final week of school visits as a student mentor for this trimester.

Still got deadlines looming, but when haven’t I?  Less classes means less running around and I can concentrate on getting assignments completed.  I have two due for a week Friday, but I also need to sort out things for my group marketing assignment. So today is a continuation of that with a meet up in class in a few hours.

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My regular Sunday chat with my nan last night bought a surprise as she told me she was sending me some money.  Little sadness with it too when she gave her reasons as it reminded me of how one part of my life is…well I guess it doesn’t matter right now. Continue reading “Moments Pass”

I Saw Our Future in Your Eyes

But now it feels like I’m going blind…

Around an hour ago I was in my van driving.  According to the kids I was heading to our local shop, but found myself almost on the motorway heading to nowhere.  When I got back my daughter asked me if the shop had been busy, given I only walked in with one bag.   So even she had noticed I was gone longer than I should have been.

For a 12-year-old, she’s pretty observant.  I forced a smile and said I just took the van for a drive as it’s been in the garage for a few days; which isn’t unheard of, and that appeased her.  Though I can tell from her glances over at me every so often now, she knows it’s not the complete truth.

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The urge to just take off and disappear was so freaking strong I’m seriously kind of surprised I’m here writing instead.  It’s been a long time since I’ve gotten as far as actually making a move to take off without really thinking about what I was doing.  And that’s what happened; I got in the van to run up to the shop, but bypassed the turn and just kept driving.

Continue reading “I Saw Our Future in Your Eyes”

From Carbon to Diamonds

How stress is not always a bad thing…

I haven’t felt this bad in a long time, but then again I don’t often get ill.  Not to the point that it debilitates me like it is now.  This virus is knocking me a little for six.  The coughing has eased a bit since yesterday, but it feels like my ribs are being crushed whenever I do start.  My eyes are streaming, puffy and gunged up.  The razor blades are still in my throat, and my whole body feels as if I’ve been wrung out to dry yet left all twisted.

I’ve taken some painkillers to ward of the niggling headache I can feel starting; and as my studies are going nowhere fast, I am taking a little time to write today’s post as part of my accountability to myself. What’s worse is my daughter is going through exactly the same symptoms; and I’m finding it hard to comfort her as I just want to be left alone to feel a little sorry for myself.

If I’m honest I think the hardest bit for me is falling ill has come at the wrong time. University deadlines and illness, or even life in general do not make for good partnerships.  I’ve struggled throughout my studies for various reasons every year so far; and while I am proud of what I’ve achieved, I do wonder if it’s all worth it.

It also makes me wonder about just how much stress we put on our young people; who unlike me, haven’t had chance to experience life, or to learn the techniques and methods of how to balance things so you don’t completely crack up.

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I’m fortunate in the fact I’ve been able to do everything I want and not worry too much about my financial income.  I’m far from rich, but my student grants and loans alongside the children’s benefits are enough to get us by.  The fact I have a job as a student mentor isn’t to supplement my income as I lose 65% of my wages straight away due to the mechanics of how our system works.  The reason I’m doing it is purely to gain experience, and 4 to 6 hours a week is workable around my studies.  However, there are those that aren’t as fortunate as I am; and I know that I have associates (especially younger ones) who are struggling to complete their studies while holding down jobs, and dealing with young families or other issues.

I still struggle with the pressure though, and more often recently I’ve been thinking to myself about how things would be so much easier if I was just working and not studying.  To some people this may seem a strange comparison, but being a student now reminds me so much of how my life was before as a carer.

Continue reading “From Carbon to Diamonds”

Writing for My Honours

Where the first draft of everything is horse manure…

 

Feel as rough as a badger’s backside as it seems I have succumbed to the dreaded virus that is making its rounds locally. My daughter is not so good either; which isn’t ideal as I’ve got to try to play nurse, when I need one myself.  Add the fact my head is still taking me on a rollercoaster that doesn’t seem to want to end, and yeah the best I can say about this week so far is I’m surviving it.

Still a few days off my food might help kickstart me back into my nutrition tracking again.  As drinking copious amounts of coffee to keep me stimulated so I can study is like trying to swallow acid over razor blades in my throat.  Yeah I’m a little insane, but I’m trying to see the positives in anything I can at the moment, because honestly my life right now feels more like a huge black hole of negativity and despair.

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I can’t stop and wallow though.  I’ve got too many deadlines due, and my personal life issues are going to have to be pushed to a dark recess of my mind for a day or so.

Continue reading “Writing for My Honours”

A Tank of Gas and an Open Road

Finding peace within yourself by getting out.

Years ago; before the kids, I used to travel.  Not major trips to countries around the world, but I’d get the urge, jump into whatever vehicle I owned, and just drive. I didn’t have destinations in mind, or book any particular place to stay.  (Sleep was achieved by crashing on the backseat.)  It literally was just throw a few clothes in a rucksack, grab a couple of handfuls of cds, call my dogs and off we’d go.

At one point I actually lived in a Bedford van for around 18 months.  Cooking on a little camping stove, sleeping on a mattress in the back whenever I got tired, and just going wherever my gut took me.

It was never about hitting tourist spots though. In fact I’d avoid well-known places like the plague.  What I was after was the isolation it gave me, and the ability to be in my own little world where I couldn’t be reached.  (Yes; I’m that old I remember the times before mobile phones, gps mapping, and the ability to be tracked wherever you went.)

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Continue reading “A Tank of Gas and an Open Road”

The Wrong Side of Midnight

Darkness falls across the land…and in my headspace too

Well here I go again; on the wrong side of midnight with a brain that refuses to shut down.  I know why, the problem is I’m just not sure what to do about it.

It’s been easy the last few days to distract myself.  I had a Law presentation to give Tuesday; and panic stations occurred on Monday when the PowerPoint I’d made corrupted on two of my flashdrives, alongside another two flashdrives that gave up the ghost as well.  Thankfully I’m not stupid and I had other backups, but I still had to do a little work to get it in shape in time.

Other issues with unsociable neighbours degenerated into a 2am argument at one point.  Then again banging and crashing around, going through bins and starting a fire next to the boundary of my property; which could have potentially taken out my garage and therefore my van, aren’t likely to endear you to me in the slightest.

Today though was quiet; probably due to the amount of police that have been back and forth the last few days, and the only thing I had to do was a couple of hours of mentoring a local high school’s pupils who are graduating in a few months time.

Continue reading “The Wrong Side of Midnight”

It’s a Strange World I Live in

After all, your mind is a funny old place…

Well its been a while since I posted here and a lot has happened.  Plans to take my blog elsewhere led to me not writing at all as I tried to sort it out; but I have come to the realisation that it’s not going to happen any time soon, if at all.  So back to my old haunts it is.

I won’t try to fill in everything that’s gone on in my life since I last posted as it would take months to write-up, but in brief I guess my journey has been more about mental fitness than anything else recently.

I’m in a strange place in my life at the moment, and have been for a while.  A lot of the things I am doing have been on autopilot mode.  Where I’m achieving things because I know I have to, not because there’s really any emotional attachment to them.  That’s me all over though.  I have an uncanny knack of distancing myself from my feelings; and putting a smile on my face, even when what people are seeing isn’t  really the truth of how I feel.

The difference this time is I understand what I’m doing.

Continue reading “It’s a Strange World I Live in”